Torn apart by your ultimate fears. Haunted by everything putrid stemming as far back as puberty.
festering into conscious nightmares of an inevitable and perpetual damaged soul because you become the trauma.
You become the embodiment of everything – everyone who’s been hurt.
It doesn’t end.
It doesn’t end because
i reminisce about narrowing rooms and dying heartbeats.
i fantasize about the beatings and breaking i deserved.
i’m everyone’s understanding everyone‘s patience.
You’re every bad day every bad trip
everyone’s everything that hurts.
The human heart – vile thing – grovels to the most minor act of affection thereby rendering its possessor a most putrid creature, in my mind at least. A self-destructive ornament, an emotional machine. A store room for wounding thoughts, noxious memories, and ominous reminders. It is of a retentive nature – releasing pieces of pain without hesitation – and in an untimely manner. It makes everything mean…anything. Without control, it is weak.
“Look at this scar. Hurt. Break.”
“Do you recall those malicious words that ripped through you?”
“Tell them of the agony that you’ve faced – where all shows of tenderness were lost and misery was mocked.”
“Hurt me. More.”
Don’t you see, child? It will cast the darkest shadow over your eyes – blind you, it won’t. Ruin you? Maybe. Your own sense of perfection and attachment become blurred because you’re a vessel of milky mess filled with everything absent of necessity. Poison resonates well with you because your half-witted heart requires everything in excess of necessity. Laughable. Your emotional reasoning is mere trivia because it omits control.
“Secure your mind’s own compliance by controlling your thoughts and desires.”
Strengthen your control system – the mind. A creator of vigor through exorbitant reasoning – however, a wisdom-producing mechanism to curb the incessant droning of our emotional factories. The great creator of exceptionally relative truth. When one fails to master control of self first, the mind becomes an unruly vessel; rationalizing self-destruction, accompanying our demise. In this way, we ruin ourselves – naivety and bare lunacy. The rawest and most natural form of an absolute imbecile, you will become.
We choose to see good and find meaning where none exists. See, your weak mind and rancid heart are aids in your destruction – contributors to the hatred geared towards devastating a once pure-enough soul. You feel too much and attach importance to it which creates a completely unfounded sense of entitlement. You mean nothing. Learn control and know yourself.
Understand how little you mean to the world and recognize your nothingness.
The insecure self is the part of every being that manifests almost mostly in the presence of the other.Perhaps it begins in our awkward and uncomfortable pubescent years. Almost every being exists as a literal vessel of insecurity and mess. Perhaps beings are comforted by the thought that there is a possibility that the Insecure Self will simmer down as they age. But what does that mean? Validation through some of the most toxic relationships we will encounter? Freely handing out our sex to anyone that will have it?
The subconscious self. Every being has the most exclusive access to subconscious thoughts. What self-love dictates is that we cherish our minds wholly: consciously and subconsciously; that we are able to face our own darkness – shamelessly – and fearlessly. The insecure self is then manifested through allowing access to others. Its growth is dependent on the development of the fear that through allowing access to the other, complete and absolute control is relinquished – the insecure self is handed to the other: the fear dictates that our own darkness will be manipulated and controlled by someone other than the self. Perhaps the reality, in the absence of cynicism, is that we hand ourselves over to the other with the pure intention of healing.
My insecure, subconscious, and conscious self would never allow that. The reason is pure and entirely simplistic – pride. Pride tends to form a large part of the Stronger Self. It defends and protects fearlessly and doubtlessly because although a being may seem transparent, pride renders the soul opaque. Pride instructs that we do not give away too much of ourselves – this sickens and casts disappointment over the soul. Pride is of an extremely complex nature.
A nature such as mine allows me to see through even the most opaque soul. The other may drone on extensively about what a guarded soul he possesses. However, the Guarded Self almost instantaneously allows the other access once loved. Weakness. This creates the premise that pride forms a large part of the Stronger Self. Love is then our Weaker Selves.
Love blinds and disguises. It does not form part of the Insecure Self – however, the loss of it does. When loved, beings develop the Vulnerable Self – the unreasonable, irrational self. It causes the soul to soften tremendously. But pride prevents access to the Insecure Self. It protects us from the Vulnerable Self. It reminds beings of resilience and pure strength. It teaches the soul to harden and repair itself. It treats the being as a temple and builds it higher.
By virtue of this, then, is pride the opposite of love?
January 12, 2016
We don’t have to speak. We don’t even have to share in each other’s company again. Just listen. Breathe. Don’t grieve. And listen to understand – not to defend.
Between us, exists a painful truth that we’ve refused to fully acknowledge. We’re in love, but we will never be together. Not by choice nor desire – but because it is what the universe has planned for both of us. We need to start recognizing the reality of our situation – you have never been presented with a choice. This has been a constant battle between me and the people you love. But what choice do you really have when I cannot truly be the one that you choose?
My love for you is overwhelmingly overpowering. You gave me strength to retract myself from a situation that drowned me in unhappiness. You reminded me how incredible it feels to love and to be loved with such an immense passion. There hasn’t been a day that has gone by where I haven’t thought about how you came into my life and reignited my spirit. I remember now what it feels like to have my soul uplifted, to have a nervous excitement shoot through my body. You have the kindest heart – and I’m in love with everything that you are. I have seen you when you strive and when you are vulnerable – with every new thing I learn about you, I love you more. You have cleared my vision and allowed me to finally see, with perfect clarity, who you are. The moment I knew that I loved you was the moment that our souls stopped existing as separate entities and blended to bring us closer together. You make everything easier – I loved you without being forced to and without feeling like I had to. For now, I can’t fall in love again, be with anyone else, because I know that no new love will come close to the way I feel about you.
These are the reasons that make leaving you that much harder. But we both know that this is the only choice there is. You can’t choose me – and more than that, you won’t. I’ll admit that it hurts me, tears me up, and has left me feeling completely shattered – but if you were to lose anything because of me, and forced to endure any pain, that would hurt me more. I want you to feel compassion, always. I want your dreams to play out in the exact way that you may hope them to. I want you to feel love, always. I want you to strive, with persisting happiness by your side and allow your already kind heart to flourish. You are everything that I want, everything I feel I need – and maybe someday, our paths will finally align and the universe will create a space in which we can be together. Maybe one day, there won’t be a need to choose between me and something or someone else – maybe your love for me will grow so strong, that I’ll be enough and everything that you want.
You don’t have to see me again, or even speak to me. Just know, that this has been incredibly hard for me to do – but you have asked me countless times to stop fighting you, and to stop making this more difficult than it already is. So now, I’ve done what you’ve needed – what you’ve wanted. Anything for my electric love.
November 24, 2015
To see him again would be the ultimate act of selfishness. But my vision is clouded. I long to breathe him in. Just to be near him. Next to him. He centers me. He is my peace.
He showed up when I was at my lowest. Toying with loneliness and pity. He picked me up. He showed me how to love again. There were moments where I would be wholly encapsulated by fits of rage. And I would think of him.
And he pulled me out of the hellish pit that I was seemingly trapped in.
He offered me his hand. And I gave him my heart. I dream of him where he is so majestic and heroic. And when I wake up, that remains true. I don’t want him to choose. He would tell me how he and I could escape together. Away from a world of judgment. And we would share our peace. And my love grew. Now, there is no one but him that I can see with the purest clarity. I can’t be without him. He warned me that this would happen. I told him to experience this, to experience me now, in that moment. Still, he was cautious.
Being with him would be the ultimate act of selfishness. But to feel him again, to have our spirits reconnect, our minds invested in each other’s weighs heavier. I need him again. To save me. And he will, with the peace that he brings.