You to Me.

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Days are the same.

And my mind will never change.

You remain                                                                                                                                          an unrivaled thought.

Because I have a furiously isolated avidity,                                                                                  an exclusive thirst                                                                                                                                 for the only love I’ve known.

You fill the most hollow cracks of my brokenness                                                                           and fascinate me with your own.                                                                                                        You possess the most perfect damage.

A mess.                                                                                                                                                      Calamitous.                                                                                                                                              A flawless crisis.

But it is within struggle that I find purpose                                                                                       and sustainable continuance.

You to me:                                                                                                                                                  matchless.

How is it that after all this time, I still look into your eyes and ponder over how fortunate I am to be with someone so beautiful and broken.

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The Meeting of Souls

tumblr_nbhy0anwcp1rizz8go1_250December 25, 2016

Letter from my Love

Here we are again.

As before; my heart yearns for a forever, fuelled by the burn of our electric dynamism, and her soul hankers at the seams of my clarity & ease… Her impatience worries me, it reminds me of her birth given warrant to command the elements and atoms of all, as she finds desirable. Thus; her push for what she can only see as a simpler path to my happiness, although selfless of her, throws me into the pits of a jealous wind uprooting the forest of what is old & sacred. I will not be forgotten. So, I fight it. I fight her. Because I want to. I will breathe tsunamis through the earth and crash thunderstorms upon the Sun before I let her go.

I insist she is patient. I reassure her of my love. I remind her of my loyalty. I calm her with my time. & at last, she listens.

I never thought I could fall further or harder than I did in the distant memory of starlight warming a rooftop which overlooked an ocean… but it seems that since; I have leaped off of that roof and dove butt naked into that ocean… Now I find myself engulfed in her once again, a lone drop in her ocean, floating through her tide, drifting on her current and drowning in the depths of her cosmic latte.

I belong.

Our journey led to an explosion of colour. And now it is I who exudes impatience. But it is only because I have never been more certain of her… she has given all of herself to me for the first time, physically & emotionally… It is my first real taste of companionship’s ecstasy. For me it is the opening of the unexplored, and a voyage through the novelty of uncharted love.

For the first time in my life; I know what we have. I know why we have it. I know that it is shared between us. I know that there is only one of its kind & I know that it can only belong to us. In fact; I believe. In her. & In us. She had me the day she gave a 13-year-old kid a cigarette under a suburban autumn, and she has me now.

Nicotine.

She controls my mind and my movements like a mantis portraying inferiority in order to encourage its opponents advance. And although I fear a familiar and destructive heartache; I would have it no other way. I have decided to make room for the moment, and in that space, we will do what we have always said cannot be done. Together we will subsist through the storm, our mirth will drown out the thunder & our electricity will make the lightning flinch as the heavens cower before our divine and eternal love.

What was once a toast to forbidden desire, beautiful and broken; now intends its raised glass to a new year. With you.

 

At War

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January 9, 2016

My love, you are my light. When I’m near you, my world spins. You make my soul melt into yours. I feel the way you nurture my heart with the greatest tenderness. You free my spirit.

I tend to be inattentive, maybe sporadically frivolous and impassioned. I blame him. In a world of inevitable ambivalence, he is my constant. He opened me up again and he truly lit my spirit with the most perfect charm. He is everything. I craved him in his entirety; his complete grace.

You tell me that one day, we will be untrammeled – I am not afraid to tell you that I am hesitant. We could wait our whole lives in oblivion. But my trust and faith in you outweighs my doubts and fears.

My haven exists within his soul. But with it, he is not always bounteous – he holds back pieces of himself. In moments of weakness, though, when complete control and rational thoughts and righteous decisions are lost, he gives me more.

You have awakened my soul. I feel better with you – you hand me security and with that, unknowingly, you make me fearless. I am safe with you. Your heart was designed for mine.

I am temerarious, self-willed, spontaneous- because of him. He is not mine to have yet I seem to yearn so openly and fearlessly for his compassion. I plead ignorance to every judgment made because I know where his heart lies. I know where he belongs.

I know we can’t be together – and I’ll be fine. I want you to do what’s right, even if it’s not what you want. Don’t choose me. Don’t love me. You deserve to be more than a secret. You deserve the purest happiness – something I can’t give you.

He needed to leave me behind. I felt every emotion being drained from me – again, he was being ripped straight out of my heart. And now I ache. My happiness, my light – pulled away from me. Choose me. Love me. But I didn’t fight it. So, with my head down, I pull a mask over my face to shield my pain, to feign strength. But now, I’m lost. I am without him.

I love you. 

xx

Letter

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A crush. I was young when her smile first caught my eye. I wasn’t surprised that it remained in my mind. See, Beauty had been redefined; she filled the void and gave the word the substance it now carries. We grew, separately, our worlds had yet to accord. I matured, she flowered. It didn’t take long; I discovered my desire to be stronger for her than for the others. I get what I want. But what she gave me was so much better… Heroin… She tastes like Heroin. I want to breathe her in… share her every mouthful… savour her every hint… I knew I wouldn’t have her, though. I wasn’t ready for her, she wasn’t ready for me- I loved her, I knew she cared too… That was enough. Despite our distinction, her aura beckoned constantly… Electricity she calls it, we had ignited a flame. A blistering flame. A flame that burns with an unmatchable resilience, an undeniable passion, and an inexorable rebellion.

I’ve searched and have never found anything so inviting nor anyone whose invitation seduced my very being. The heat that lapped at her summoned my most concentrated lust. I cannot choose to ignore it, her eyes draw me in. Her touch knocks me flat. Our flame had faced it all… He brought with him wave after wave of weather, intent on smothering its intensity. He could not. He cannot. Our flame is electric. I know that it is wrong, he needs her too, he has her… But I know her- I want to please her, I want to pleasure her. I want to give her what I am and know no other. She won’t have it, although her words provoke the idea she knows the hurt we’ll cause just as well as I do. Yet, I have her too… Her broken love she says? Yes- Through our flame being constantly confined, and its growth tainted- I am forced to feel… She told me that this is what love feels like. I trust her. I Love Her. She plays on my mind, thwarting my search for purity. Now, I cannot think of anything purer, she describes it as beautiful and I cannot help but agree… My benevolence has been blinded and seeks only to gratify her, I do not care, she is bliss and our electricity has passed corrupting. A kind hearted woman, she studies evil all the time. I asked her for water, she brought me gasoline. Pour it over our fire, how allusive… Calm me, tell me how you crave me, and share with me your secret thirst- Calm me, speak softly, and allow me to feed off your texture, femininity, taste and persistence- I Love Her for all that she is. I want her to surrender to me, to submit to my adoration. She wants to show me her affection- I tell her she will. I tell her that I am hers, and she must not feel guilty. It is a choice that fills me with elation. I would choose to belong to none but her. I commit my strength to her every day that our love vibrates through my bones and every day that it resonates.

A kind hearted woman, she studies evil all the time. I asked her for water, she brought me gasoline. Pour it over our fire, how allusive… Calm me, tell me how you crave me, and share with me your secret thirst- Calm me, speak softly, and allow me to feed off your texture, femininity, taste and persistence- I Love Her for all that she is. I want her to surrender to me, to submit to my adoration. She wants to show me her affection- I tell her she will. I tell her that I am hers, and she must not feel guilty. It is a choice that fills me with elation. I would choose to belong to none but her. I commit my strength to her every day that our love vibrates through my bones and every day that it resonates with my energy. I will hold her tight with every opportunity and whisper sweet nothings into her ear.” I Love You” – “And I Love You”… A fairy-tale is what she offers, an enchanting story in which she finds comfort. Love, Sex, Dreams. I see the ache in her eyes; her heart yearns to get lost with me- hungry for my passion. I implore her to indulge. I do not know how big our flame will grow, nor do I know of where it’ll spread. But I am certain that it will never be extinguished.

I raise my glass, a toast to a forbidden desire- beautiful and broken. Our Love is indeed Electric. She is Electric.

The Purest Love

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November 21, 2015

We had new love; exciting refreshing love. Our two energies combined was so amazingly electric; so beautifully inspired. We were so mesmerized by each other; so full and ready to burst. Yet we were restricted. Walls constantly confined and limited us. Yet within the confines of those walls, we came alive as one energy, existing independently. He wanted all of it; desperately wanting to be filled with it, surrounded by it. He wanted to radiate and express it. Our suppressed energy reminded him, though, of our restrictions. He was forced to mask his undeniable passion for me. He did this through exuding frustrated impatience and inexplicable heartbreak. He radiated broken intensity. My broken love.

What is it that you want? He would ask me constantly; it became habitual. My desires were simple; I merely wanted the passion to remain ignited; I wanted our insidious intensity to persist. I was sure that if he and I were to nurture and protect our somewhat esoteric relationship, our awkward secrets would need not be excused or explained. It was at this point that I realized a point of possible contention between us. I was satisfied with our mendacious communion yet he was invested in ingrained commitment. He was so oblivious to our one significant digression. I knew that that’s what would hurt him the most but, of course, I acted in the name of self-preservation, and remained reticent.
You’re not thinking clearly. I was a constant reminder that his vision was clouded. He saw me and I saw him; our own worlds vested in each other. I expected his love for me to morph into a desperate obsession or deep-seated infatuation. Even so, he was undeniably committed to me, fascinated by me. He contemplated a life where only him and I existed alone – detached from the world outside us. What a provocative idea, however elusive.
He was addicted to me. He needed me. His appetite grew. My inadequacy made him incomplete. He became restlessly eager. I eased him, speaking attractive yet masked words of comfort. He implored me: remove those walls which keep us hidden. Destroy the barriers that hold us.

Humans love by their very nature. I tell him that we should not be ostracized or alienated for being in love. People inherently crave love – to feel it and to share it, even where there is protest against it. I know how it feels to be in love. I tell him that this is what love is. He calms but remains unchanged.

I’m the other guy! He tells me that people’s perceptions will be cruel and harsh. I tell him that our love is perfect. He pleads for purity. He wants to love me completely and wants that from me in return. His requests are inopportune yet entirely magnetic. He longs to love me freely, openly, and purely but I know that his desire to do so will inevitably cause others to hurt. He refuses to acknowledge the untimeliness of our situation.
Give me your passion and affection. I tell him how I yearn for him. He yearns for me to destroy the chains which bind us. I dismiss him. He aches. I’m yours – you have me. He doesn’t see clearly. I tell him to let me go because I can’t ease his discomfort despite my efforts. He calms. I’m selfish. I can’t be loyal or faithful to him. I tell him how my heart erupts for him. But that’s not enough. He tells me he wants me in my entirety. I tell him that I’m hurting him and he feigns strength.

Our love is electric.