Home » Conscious Nightmares » this is the end. Please. let it be the end.

this is the end. Please. let it be the end.

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My temperament is sporadically inconsistent. Because my mind is everywhere. And nowhere. A simultaneous absence and presence. All this ambivalence centered on the loss of sanity. My reactions lack humanistic substance and are instead characterized by melodrama.

Please don’t wake me up.

And so I pursue everything holding a morsel of substance, however shallow, to keep me distracted. To be kept away from myself; from my own disregard; my own absence. I gamble constantly with my preferences. Mindful presence means admitting inadequacies. I am a glass tower founded on breakage, and containing nothing. I am no longer anyone.

Please don’t wake me up.

Oh! How amazingly gifted I am at accomplishing mediocrity. It seems I aim for that which is average, yet it still startles me that I lack interest and commitment. How widely inferior! While the world’s more inclined components journey on, I remain stuck in muddy equivocation. I can’t move and I’m suffocating. Let me.

And don’t fucking wake me up this time.

The cynicism that aligns itself with my being is astounding. You sense disappointment, deception, shame. Everyone is a vessel of weakness. Yet you hold down these cheap judgments so as not to affect any other. Also, to remain yours. I could never fully offer myself nor explain why I’m incapable of doing so. I want to be my nothing exclusively.

Please, please don’t wake me up.

But this persistent and selective mindful presence tends to prop up erratically as a reminder that I still need to be perceived as good. I once was desperate for anything to hold onto. It calls into question the danger of accepting and remaining content within emptiness. It is a conditional acceptance. There’s a demand that comes with it. A small, soft, constant whine.

Please don’t wake me up this time.

I am my own threat.

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