Home » Conscious Nightmares » A Letter to the First Version of Myself.

A Letter to the First Version of Myself.

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I don’t tell you enough how desperately I miss you.

Up until now, our lives have been enormously accelerated – and I’m still waiting for us to coincide again. Remind me; were we accidentally separated, or did I knowingly and maliciously walk away from you? It doesn’t seem to matter now – we’re still the same person. What I do remember is your constant panicky nature which masked your sincere purity. It won’t surprise you to know that you lose that to become the most contaminated being. Mostly, I remember your invariable need to self-sacrifice. That much has not changed.

Did you think that 10 years later, things would change? Let me indulge you in a truth that will destroy whatever is left of your nothingness because I am fully aware and conscious of the circumstances of our departure. We agreed to separate. You needed me to become someone else – someone strong enough to hold us up. Instead, I was led astray; sometimes by others, mostly on my own initiative. People are evil. Malicious. We were hurt. A lot. Constantly. It seems that hurt knows no end. Ironically, I successfully became a different someone – I’m bringing back to you the biggest danger you will encounter. When I find you, I can’t make you stronger. I will poison you. We’re disgusting and nothing to be loved. We lack compassion and empathy and most times kindness. We’re wholly corrupted and I’ve come to believe that that’s what was intended for us. Attempting to escape has become futile and merely habitual. I have faced ceaseless failures. My darkness is more overpowering than any light that you have left in you. I couldn’t save you. Us. I couldn’t find a way out.

Nights are still long – you still find yourself in a recurrent daze trying to find any sign of a heartbeat. The prospect of it fading into your darkness still gives you exhilarated chills. Mornings are still disappointing – still rising with a blank mind and a revived heartbeat. You only live as long as your next attempt.

But

I know you’ll fight it – stupid, stupid heart. When you come to realize that there is no cleanse in the world that can scour our grimy soul, you’ll let the dove go.

Smile. Keep your heart wrapped up tight. And don’t allow anything to spill. Because. We know what it is. But. We aren’t equipped to deal with anything that pours out. And no one else deserves to try.

I don’t tell you enough how desperately I miss you.

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