January 1, 2016
The end. Last night – pure nightmare. Unquestionably bilious. Everything had happened so fast and I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want it to stop. It was entirely enthralling and somewhat risible. This invigorating turmoil stirred up so much hatred and anger. Ironically, it brought Him peace.
I thought about my fear of being alone. But he took my hand and brought the color back to my face, he allowed my heart to beat again. “Over these last few days – I didn’t think it was possible – but I fell in love with you so much more”. His words have always been so pure and contumacious. I asked him for certainty and he brought it to me. He’s confused but confident. I don’t want to be a mistaken choice – And he reassured me that after all these years, I have always been His only choice.
He stands to lose everything. He says he stands to gain so much more. I grow irritable –
“Stop choosing me.”
“Whose choice is it to make?”
Why can’t he see – I’m trying to protect him, to save him the same way that he saved me. He’s stubborn. I calm and allow him to do what feels right. But I again, I emphasize,
“Choosing me is not doing right, my love.”
Of course, he disagrees.
His words are entirely provocative – he continuously asks me for a solution.
I tell him that I would force him to stop choosing me and disappear.
And then, silence.
And we stay together. All night. Devastatingly in love.