January 2, 2016
Every night, I encapsulate myself in a bubble of loneliness and grief – so as not to force others to dwell in the same depressing place. On the first night, I was in a state of complete shock and I was overcome by a captivating wave of confusion. Everything happened so fast, but not at all in the way that I wanted it to. I threw out all my irrational thoughts, all of my unreasonable emotions. And as I finished, I put on a facade – as though I were in complete control of myself and my situation. As though I were confident and bold. But even so, every part of me inside was breaking.
On the second night, I was overwhelmed by immense fear and pain. The fear of being alone and leaving everything that I had once cherished behind. I cried – because there was only one person who I sought solace from; one person I wanted to run to; to lay with; one person who would hold me and make me feel as though all other entities did not exist; all others did not matter except me. One person. The one who I, overtime had come to resent. The one who pulled me into a trap of public humiliation and embarrassment. The one who had made me feel pain like nothing else that I had ever experienced. The one who I had hurt. All I wanted, was that one person – because he was the one that I had always had – and the thought of not having him anymore filled me with more fear than I could have ever imagined. I kept thinking about the pain I was feeling.
“What do I have to do?”
I begged – and I argued and debated – all with myself about how to deal with what I was feeling. And then, when I was again lucid and rational, I realized that this – being alone and expelling my toxic thoughts – was how I, unknowingly, had chosen to deal with it. Once I had finished, again, I put on my smile, I complained of being tired – so as not to arouse any suspicion – and I slept.
Tonight will be the third night. It will be about everyone that I stand to lose after he leaves – it will be more challenging to overcome – because now my energy will be focused on more than just the one. I fear losing support and love from those on whom I channel most of my energy. It is naive to think that they will continue to surround me – it is realistic, more rational and wise to know that they won’t. Tonight, again, I will need a new facade, a new mask – one that is so opaque, that not even the wisest mind will see through it.