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At War

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January 9, 2016

My love, you are my light. When I’m near you, my world spins. You make my soul melt into yours. I feel the way you nurture my heart with the greatest tenderness. You free my spirit.

I tend to be inattentive, maybe sporadically frivolous and impassioned. I blame him. In a world of inevitable ambivalence, he is my constant. He opened me up again and he truly lit my spirit with the most perfect charm. He is everything. I craved him in his entirety; his complete grace.

You tell me that one day, we will be untrammeled – I am not afraid to tell you that I am hesitant. We could wait our whole lives in oblivion. But my trust and faith in you outweighs my doubts and fears.

My haven exists within his soul. But with it, he is not always bounteous – he holds back pieces of himself. In moments of weakness, though, when complete control and rational thoughts and righteous decisions are lost, he gives me more.

You have awakened my soul. I feel better with you – you hand me security and with that, unknowingly, you make me fearless. I am safe with you. Your heart was designed for mine.

I am temerarious, self-willed, spontaneous- because of him. He is not mine to have yet I seem to yearn so openly and fearlessly for his compassion. I plead ignorance to every judgment made because I know where his heart lies. I know where he belongs.

I know we can’t be together – and I’ll be fine. I want you to do what’s right, even if it’s not what you want. Don’t choose me. Don’t love me. You deserve to be more than a secret. You deserve the purest happiness – something I can’t give you.

He needed to leave me behind. I felt every emotion being drained from me – again, he was being ripped straight out of my heart. And now I ache. My happiness, my light – pulled away from me. Choose me. Love me. But I didn’t fight it. So, with my head down, I pull a mask over my face to shield my pain, to feign strength. But now, I’m lost. I am without him.

I love you. 

xx

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