November 21, 2015
We had new love; exciting refreshing love. Our two energies combined was so amazingly electric; so beautifully inspired. We were so mesmerized by each other; so full and ready to burst. Yet we were restricted. Walls constantly confined and limited us. Yet within the confines of those walls, we came alive as one energy, existing independently. He wanted all of it; desperately wanting to be filled with it, surrounded by it. He wanted to radiate and express it. Our suppressed energy reminded him, though, of our restrictions. He was forced to mask his undeniable passion for me. He did this through exuding frustrated impatience and inexplicable heartbreak. He radiated broken intensity. My broken love.
What is it that you want? He would ask me constantly; it became habitual. My desires were simple; I merely wanted the passion to remain ignited; I wanted our insidious intensity to persist. I was sure that if he and I were to nurture and protect our somewhat esoteric relationship, our awkward secrets would need not be excused or explained. It was at this point that I realized a point of possible contention between us. I was satisfied with our mendacious communion yet he was invested in ingrained commitment. He was so oblivious to our one significant digression. I knew that that’s what would hurt him the most but, of course, I acted in the name of self-preservation, and remained reticent.
You’re not thinking clearly. I was a constant reminder that his vision was clouded. He saw me and I saw him; our own worlds vested in each other. I expected his love for me to morph into a desperate obsession or deep-seated infatuation. Even so, he was undeniably committed to me, fascinated by me. He contemplated a life where only him and I existed alone – detached from the world outside us. What a provocative idea, however elusive.
He was addicted to me. He needed me. His appetite grew. My inadequacy made him incomplete. He became restlessly eager. I eased him, speaking attractive yet masked words of comfort. He implored me: remove those walls which keep us hidden. Destroy the barriers that hold us.
Humans love by their very nature. I tell him that we should not be ostracized or alienated for being in love. People inherently crave love – to feel it and to share it, even where there is protest against it. I know how it feels to be in love. I tell him that this is what love is. He calms but remains unchanged.
I’m the other guy! He tells me that people’s perceptions will be cruel and harsh. I tell him that our love is perfect. He pleads for purity. He wants to love me completely and wants that from me in return. His requests are inopportune yet entirely magnetic. He longs to love me freely, openly, and purely but I know that his desire to do so will inevitably cause others to hurt. He refuses to acknowledge the untimeliness of our situation.
Give me your passion and affection. I tell him how I yearn for him. He yearns for me to destroy the chains which bind us. I dismiss him. He aches. I’m yours – you have me. He doesn’t see clearly. I tell him to let me go because I can’t ease his discomfort despite my efforts. He calms. I’m selfish. I can’t be loyal or faithful to him. I tell him how my heart erupts for him. But that’s not enough. He tells me he wants me in my entirety. I tell him that I’m hurting him and he feigns strength.
Our love is electric.
The Bluest Light 